nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize