counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
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I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
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Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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