we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
being pregnant is like rehab
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Still dying that you shit outside
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
