I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Please don't give away my fajitas
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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