I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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