I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
