she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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