I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
