i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
