If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
