even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
