then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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