dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
We had sex on a dog bed..
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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