Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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