I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
