I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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