hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
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When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
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He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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