did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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