she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
