Don't make out with my wife yet
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
