You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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