if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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