It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
