White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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