Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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