After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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