Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
