I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
