Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
