i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
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