You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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