I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
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