the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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