cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
