she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
