For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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