How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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