farters have to be the big spoon...
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
