Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
