I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
It's official drugs can't kill me
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
