I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
