mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
