so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
