I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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