the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
this is an emotional support booty call
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
