I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
