its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
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Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
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I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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