every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
