xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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