My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Dignity is for republicans.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
