theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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