I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
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