I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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