i don't plan on having that self control this summer
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
