Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
