It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
