That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
