I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Ketchup is God's man juice
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I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
two words: eviction party
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
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casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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