I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
