Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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