Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
