Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
