Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
