was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
